Pre-Expedition Therapy: A Sneak Peek Into My Session

Is the Everest Dream a Pass/Fail Test?

I was sitting in therapy this week, spiraling about Peru. I’m still very intimidated that Peru is steeper and more technical than my original plan, Ecuador.

“What would it feel like to fail?” my therapist asked.

Well, if I summit, the Everest dream stays alive, I have a purpose, and I’m a "real mountaineer."

If I don’t, the dream is dead, I’m back to feeling listless, and I have to figure out what the hell to do with my life (plus a tiny part of me that would feel relieved to just give up and stop obsessing over aerobic threshold and pack weight and gear…).

My therapist stopped me right there. It’s easy to let these mountaineering objectives become binary in my head. She challenged me to stop looking at my time in the Cordillera Blanca as a pass/fail exam and start looking at it as an information-gathering mission.

The pivot to Peru reminds us that the point of going to Climbing School isn't just to stand on a specific peak. The point is to stress-test the systems. I’m going there to see how my body handles the altitude, how my Uphill Athlete training plan holds up under load, and where the gaps are. If I don't summit, it’s not a "failure,” but a data point telling me exactly what I need to fix so that I will succeed when I finally head to the Himalayas.

As we were talking, I started laughing. I realized I’d been here before.

Before I left for Kilimanjaro, I had this exact same conversation with her. Back then, I hadn’t even told anyone about the Everest plan yet. I was just as terrified then as I am now, convinced that one bad day on the mountain would mean my life was over and had no direction. This isn't a new fear. It’s the same old ghost in a different mountain range.

The irony is that I already have the proof that the "pass/fail" mindset is bullshit. I went to Kili, and yes, I did summit, but I almost quit and made a lot of mistakes that I learned from and have improved upon for my next trip.

New mantra: I’m going to Peru to collect data.(Someone remind me of this after the trip…)